Student+1+Assignment+1

Comments:

Hi Student 1 - Very good poem! I did notice, though, in the history, that you posted this two days late. I won't penalize you this time, but next time, you will receive a lower grade. When you revise this for your second draft, consider thinking of another way to look at this. What are you describing? Is there a way to make to make it more clear to your audience? Let me know if you need any help. Great vocabulary; you expressed the atmosphere very well. ---Teacher

Student 1 - I like your poem. I don't understand what it is about, though. Who has died, and why would someone be both in really humid air and also somewhere that is cold? Maybe you could find a way to explain this better. It's really pretty, but I'd like some more information about what you mean. ---Student 2

Student 1 - New Orleans! Right?

Student 1 - Great job on your poem. I'm curious to see whether student 3 was right about where it is. The personification added a lot! I will bet that student 2's questions have been answered! --Teacher

This is a revision of my poem. I tried to personify the place in the poem to make it more clear what was going on. The place is the narrator of the poem; can you guess what that place is?

My poem:

I am the edge of the present. The dim salt air causing the spine to tighten intentionally contract and conserve warmth.

What lies before are the bones of my family, in cracked vaults encircled by ivy and abandoned.

The hungry gather, an army of disposed staring at painted circles with the pale circles which were their eyes before.

Further, between the cold breeze and the humid forgotten bleeding edges are those who make only a brief cameo in my life stopping to peruse, late at night, who pause but do not endure.